Burning In Helen
Is dating not utter hell right now? I am on my knees begging for help, because how can every person I meet have attachment issues? We can’t all have been that badly parented?
I remember studying attachment theory in my youth. Around the 1940s or 50s (that I can’t remember because I wasn’t there), John Bowlby theorised that early childhood experiences form the way that we navigate relationships in later life. Mary Ainsworth then built on this in the 1960s, creating attachment styles such as:
- a secure attachment;
- an insecure-avoidant attachment; and
- an anxious-resistant attachment.
Secure means that infants were distressed upon separation and comforted by reunion, while insecure avoidant means that infants showed distress upon separation but avoided the caregiver by reunion. The final type would be distressed at separation as an infant and resist comforting at reunion. Later on, another type was added – the disorganised attachment style, in which the child would exhibit both resistant and anxious behaviours. The Strange Situation experiment concluded that what caused these behaviours was primarily the quality of the relationship with the caregiver. We can’t blame our parents for everything; sometimes neurodiversity plays a part, sometimes different people’s personalities have a role. You might be thinking: “Helen, why are you teaching us GCSE psychology?” Well, I’m about to postulate something, of course, just bear with me.
My take on the shituation
As a single lady (love you Beyonce x), what I would ideally like is to fall in love the old-fashioned way. I’d like to meet someone and simply be together. When it’s right, I don’t think there should be any question – you kind of know where it’s going. It’s #easy, as Lionel Richie says.
I sometimes wonder if I overcomplicate things now. When you’re in your 20s, you can date people who are looking for fun or people looking for marriage. I have friends who are engaged and friends breaking up. It’s a weird and turbulent time and it makes me very uncomfortable, woo!
We’ve created a dystopian solution for those who want companionship but not commitment; those who want commitment but not companionship. Herein lies the ‘situationship’.
I used to think whenever people complained to me about situationships, “well, no, one of you just doesn’t want the other”. But guess what? I ended up in one too – just on my own terms, for a year and a half. I could have had two children in this time (not really, but that’s well long init). I was seeing a guy who’d give me a lift to the airport and drive me an hour home from work whenever I asked. We’d enjoy each other in… other ways, if you’ll allow me to keep my modesty! That was it. There was always the promise of a date, but it was never right for some reason – family commitments, not being ready, getting over someone else, busy.
At the time, I felt in control of the whole thing, benefitting from intimacy and free lifts (<3). The reality was that I wanted him to want me, combined with knowing that he wasn’t the love of my life. He used to kiss me to shut up any intellectual conversation I started. Which, like, romantic, sure! Yet, after one year you start to notice a pattern, especially when said kiss leads to him directing you to your knees – not quite as romantic (screw what I said about modesty, when’s that ever been fun?). When you’re having frequent casual sex with someone, you can settle, you can be complacent. How can you go on dates with someone else when you know you are already investing in someone, even if it’s on terms that don’t meet your needs?
I’ve always placed a lot of blame on emotional unavailability in the people I pick. My last ex held me at arm’s length, my situationship couldn’t commit, my ex before that couldn’t even bring himself to say the words “I love you” and used a code word instead LOL. Even people I go on a couple of dates with reveal their true selves early on. I can’t stand serial monogamists who are constantly just replacing the last person. I can’t stand chronic situationshippers who are just touch-deprived fuckboys.
19(self-h)80s theories
To bring us back to Bowlby and Ainsworth – could it be me? I’m choosing these people. I’m entertaining these situations. I’m continuing with them even when my needs aren’t met. In the 1980s, using the principles of Bowlby and Ainsworth’s work, Dr Phillip Shaver and Dr Cindy Hazan found that adults have one of four attachment styles: secure, anxious preoccupied, dismissive avoidant and fearful avoidant.
Secure attachments have positive views of themselves and others, anxious-preoccupied people have a negative view of the self with a positive view of others. Dismissive avoidant? You guessed it – a positive view of the self and negative of others. Then that fourth type, fearful avoidant, has fluctuating views of both the self and others.
In their research, Dr Shaver and Dr Hazan found that roughly 60% are secure, 20% are avoidant and 20% have an anxious attachment. Now, I don’t know about you, but every person I date seems to be avoidant, or tells me that they are. Surely, as per the childhood attachments, we can’t look at this with a reductionist view; there are real-world factors that may play a part. After all, these are only theories. They follow the empirical method.
But that’s not enough for me.
http://www.cringemelater.com
I blame the Internet and its constant availability of information. If you meet someone you click with, you can find them online pretty easily. It takes away the mystery and you might even get some suggested followers who look just like them. Back in the day, if two people clicked, they’d try to find each other again, go to similar events, ask around. That longing, allure, pursuit… it’s missing from modern-day relationships.
I’m sure some people do meet in real life, of course. But for a lot of people who go to work, enjoy hobbies and hang out with friends, it’s rare that you meet someone eligible to date. If you do, perhaps they don’t align with your texting routines (what a slog it is to text someone every day btw). They might even follow loads of thirst accounts on TikTok (more like IckTok, amiright?). Their Instagram discovery page might be heinous, and then even more mystery is gone.
I was seeing a guy I rather liked who kept following more and more women online and updating his Hinge. To be fair, maybe he thought, “this girl I’ve known for three weeks is stalking me online!”. Valid. The Internet, all the people out there and the constant options and different people on dating apps make it quite hard to find a spark in real life that stands out enough for people to seriously pursue you.
A real problem in the dating world is people thinking they can find better. It’s rare for people to just date one person at a time. Even if the person isn’t 100% what they want, they aren’t throwing themselves in enough to enjoy the moment, even if it’s short lived.
That’s the world that is out there for a lot of single people. Those who are single are often afraid to commit to the wrong person. On the flipside, you have a lot of people in relationships who are settling, sad or trying to fit someone into their perfect partner when maybe there is someone better out there for them.
SIS STAND UP
End of the day, it’s about choice, and risk. It’s committing to something that you can’t ever be 100% sure about. Perhaps that’s my problem – I want to fall in love, but I’m not desperate enough to put effort into meeting the right person. Perhaps I need to work on that self view and trust others more.
Well, while I have situationships directing me to my knees or I’m begging for someone to help me escape from hell, I figure I need to stand up, take some accountability and be vulnerable enough to let someone know what I want from the getgo. Situationships are often a lack of communication. NO MORE!!! Join me xo
Viva la revolution!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
