Whining and wining while zining: when a relationship ends but romance perseveres

Your Best Friend

My friends have shown me greater romance, compassion and love than any romantic relationship I have ever been in. My friends allow me to be completely myself and do not ever try to push me into a box or make myself smaller. My friends have literally picked me up when I was down (bad).

The rosé cheek of it all: arguing over everything and anything probably isn’t healthy

“It must be a fragile system if it can be brought down by just a few berries.”
The Hunger Games: Catching Fire

My ex and I broke up over a bottle of rosé (I’m not going to wine about it, don’t worry). It had been quite a tumultuous period of our relationship – although, looking back, the entire relationship was tumultuous. Or, to paraphrase my ex, we were toxic but we loved each other. It was very true, but not something of which I was proud at the time and I’m definitely not now. To be honest, I look back and beg my past self to pick my battles better and not break up due to a bottle of wine, but we live and we learn and unpacking that is for another time.

After we’d had a difficult time transitioning from long-distance to mid-distance and discussing a few changes in our relationship, we went to the cinema together ahead of a long weekend at his. We’d finished work and already had a mini tiff about whether to go at all, walk, get the tube, have dinner, and when to arrive (I love trailers – who doesn’t? Him). To paint a picture, it was already slightly tense.

The cinema had actually been his idea. He was trying to make it up to me for not inviting me to something or flaking on me or being generally lazy – I can’t remember. This man has taken up too much of my brain in the last five years lmao. Anyway, we got to the cinema and I said I was going to the loo. I asked whether he could get us some snacks and he refused as he wanted to wait for me. Looking back, I fear he was dealing with some kind of social anxiety, but as he never opened up to me and rebutted me whenever I asked for communication or vulnerability, it’s hard to see the bigger picture when you feel like you’re the problem. It fuels the fire and my fire happened to be incredibly insecure.

We eventually entered the cinema. Maybe we wouldn’t have broken up if a waiter had approached us. Maybe we wouldn’t have broken up if he’d paid for the tickets instead of me. Or if we’d held hands on the walk to the cinema. Maybe we wouldn’t have broken up if he’d let me in a bit or shown any small sign of affection. He’d refused to get us any food (we hadn’t had dinner in the end). As far as I was aware, this date was his idea that I’d paid for. He had said we’d eat in the cinema to solve the dinner problem.

So I’m sitting in the Everyman, trailers blasting (I’m missing my faves because of this tension with the supposed love of my life). Everyman cinemas are known for their comfort and I can promise you, lovely reader, it was not comfortable that day. All the couples around us were cuddled up, whispering, giggling together – with food and drinks. We weren’t, if you hadn’t gathered.

A script of the conversation (not verbatim):

Me: I thought you were taking me out tonight.

Him: We are out and I’m not hungry.

Me: I’d like a glass of wine and some nibbles.

Him: Order yourself some then.

I’m sure I seem dramatic, but it just epitomised everything that had been bubbling under the surface. Never being considered or prioritised. Never getting treated with anything more than just enough.

As romance novels always state… tears pricked my eyes. Or maybe the prick was just in view of my eyes… Who’s to say, who’s to say?

As Avatar 2: The Way of Water commences, I settle into my seat and think for the next 45 minutes about how I am with someone (by choice, remember) who does nothing that he doesn’t 100% want to do, but is very vocal on what I should do.

One hour in, I think: “No. He didn’t want anything, and it’s not his responsibility to get me something. I am a strong independent woman. I know he’s not hungry and doesn’t want wine. I’m not going to peer pressure him!”

I get up, walk to the bar in the lobby, missing some of the film (</3), and ask for a nice glass of rosé and some food. They’d stopped serving food, woo! But I managed to wrangle some nuts for dinner. Health and wealth, everyone. (I would never do this now because #nutallergyawareness. Everyman, step up.)

I go back into the cinema and think my lover will be happy that I’ve come to my senses. I sit down and reach for his hand and he utters the sentence:

“I cannot believe you didn’t get me any rosé. That is so nasty.”

Now I’m crying in the cinema! Xxx

He pushes my hand away and the tears prick again. Avatar 2: The Way of Water became four dimensional and I knew it was the end. MY HUSBAND WOULDN’T DO ME LIKE THIS.

So the film ends and when we get out, he says to me: “What’s wrong?”

READER, HE’S NOW GASLIGHTING ME, ACTING LIKE HE DIDN’T CALL ME NASTY FOR QUENCHING MY OWN DESIRES WHEN HE’D REFUSED TO DO SO.

I explained all of the above to him and he said: “Oh yeah, I see that. My bad.” I responded, “it’s not just this, you never want to do anything for me, I shouldn’t have to beg for some of these things”. Long story short, we spoke for two(ish) hours about our relationship, he said he was really tired, asked if we could sleep. We agreed to go on a break. I then said we should top and tail because I’m a saintly girl. This did not go down well. I then cried myself to sleep. He slept soundly and I was awake loudly.

A love letter to my friends: romance never dies

“Real or not real?” “Real.”

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part II

The point of reciting my toil is that, during this break, my friend and I went to the cinema. As you can imagine, as the break continued, I was kind of losing my mind. Constantly overthinking possibilities and outcomes, thinking about how to end it or restart it again after everything that had happened.

I rock up to the cinema with her and we sit down. She takes two wine glasses and a bottle of rosé out of her tote bag. She holds my hand, looks into my eyes and says, “you deserve rosé”. It was genuinely one of the most romantic things anyone has ever done for me and this is my best friend of many years. I can’t quite believe that I am lucky enough to have a friend who is that thoughtful, considerate, sweet and kind. I am struggling to put it into words (for once in my life). The emotions it brings up to this day strike me in the heart. I’m not in love with her, I swear.

I don’t think we as people focus on platonic love enough. I am constantly thinking of romantic love in the seggsual sense. But why can’t romantic love be with our friends?

After this two weeks of no contact, I knew it was over – and it was. Three years of toxique amour ending in ‘blocked’. But romance didn’t die with him (he’s dead to me), my friends keep it alive for me every single day.

From friends who listen to me vent about minor events at work or home and provide any help they think I need, to friends running by me a list of people invited to a party to make me comfortable. Friends who hear that I’ve been ghosted and come round with Maltesers and hugs. Friends who, when I was struggling living at home, offered their sofas, air mattresses, helped with recruiting new flatmates. Friends who FaceTime me past their bedtimes. Friends that reassure us, make us laugh, make us think, challenge us, comfort us. Aren’t we lucky?

I cannot thank my friends enough for how truly wonderful they are. They have consistently shown me tenderness and adoration. They have shown me what nontoxic love looks like, all while being the most amazing people themselves. It’s remarkable. So I’d ask you, dear reader, to think about your friends today and how much you appreciate them next time you’re whining over some wine with friends.