A disenfranchised youth and her friend

Ex-posé: If you’ve been wondering why these articles aren’t regular and consistent, it’s because sometimes I feel really shitty about dating. Being in my mid twenties, a lot of my friends are happily in relationships or happily single. A lot of my friends are moving forward in these states of mind and companionship. 

Single: they’re thriving by gaining friends, hobbies, MONEYYYY. 💸👯‍♀️🧗‍♂️

In relationships: they’re moving in together, thinking of next steps. 🤰🏚️💒

Most of them are doing BOTH! Can you believe the cheek of it?

It makes me feel behind, late. I fear there is something wrong with me. It makes me overthink it all: I don’t have loads of hobbies. I don’t earn a lot of money. I don’t have a partner. I know some people think you need to be ‘whole’ in order to have a partner – I think that’s a load of shite. People in relationships aren’t all perfect and healthy. Really, I just think some people are lucky; in the right time and place, in the right state of mind. 

Friend of Ex-posé:  This is how I feel too. Almost every person I know is either in a relationship or well on the way there – and I’ve never been more single. It’s not a race, and I know that comparison is the thief of joy, but when you’re constantly surrounded by people who are happy and content in love, you begin to wonder why it’s not happening for you too. You begin to question what’s wrong with you. 

Ex-posé: Maybe I should be going out and getting some of my own hobbies, making myself ‘better’ as a person and not thinking about L-O-V-E. I do things I like: sports, reading, writing, socialising. I guess I’m just looking for my passion. I don’t find it in labour (I was made for luxury). I won’t find it sitting on my bed listening to the same music over and over again (though I am passionate about that). 

I don’t know exactly what I feel, but I do know that dating is exhausting. It genuinely confuses me when people don’t go on a second date. Unless someone was any kind of ‘-ist’ or ‘-phobic’, I can’t fathom a date being so bad that you wouldn’t just go and see how the second could pan out. Yet people are clearly decisive enough to know. If you get me on a first date, it’s because I’m already certain beforehand that I will enjoy myself. So it’s easy for me to continue onward to the second. But sometimes it feels as though going on holiday between date one and two can ruin the momentum, and you never see each other again for no real reason. You’re back to the start, because texting to maintain a loose connection just isn’t enough sometimes.

People do meet in the real world, like each other and then just see each other until they become official. It does happen – just not to me, not right now anyway. It feels so out of my control. I feel paralysed by choice, with how many people are out there. But I’m also paralysed by their choice. They could date 10 different people, how does anyone pick? Surely it would take years to really know. I feel deficient in understanding. I am haunted by partners of the past. Then, I don’t understand how people are so certain about their one person and how they get to a point where they can pick one person and both pick each other. 

So really, how can I sit here and write and preach? What do I know? 

Friend of Ex-posé: At the risk of sounding like the world’s largest hypocrite, one of my biggest pet peeves is when people complain about things they have the power to change. At that point, they’ve chosen the path they’re on. I’m not actively going on dates (terrifying concept to me – the horrors), so I don’t feel like I can complain about my singleness because I’m not putting the work in to change it.

But, often, people don’t go out looking for love – it finds them. I’d like for it to find me. 

Ex-posé: Completely agree. My friends haven’t searched for it, it’s simply landed there for them. One of my best friends met her boyfriend on Hinge, but she had barely used it and her friends had set the profile up for her on a whim. Her boyfriend, however, had been on countless dates searching for her. When he found her profile, he’d left it open on his phone for an hour to make sure his first message to her was perfect. It seems easy when it’s right. 

Friend of Ex-posé: I think, for me, a large part of this sadness is just being touch deprived. I see casual intimacy all the time – holding hands, a gentle kiss on the forehead, an arm slung over a shoulder – and I long for it. I battle internally between feeling happy that these people have got this, and feeling bitter and jealous. I go weeks without a hug (some of my friends’ idea of bliss – literally how?). 

It’s also the feeling of being known, understood. “To be loved is to be known” and all that. Knowing that there’s someone out there who would step up to bat for you – who knows all of your flaws, issues, struggles, and chooses you anyway. I feel that those who do know all of these things about me are put off by them. And why wouldn’t they be? I’m a lot. 

Ex-posé: Even when I’ve liked someone, it’s never been easy. I feel like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop or I’m waiting for them to burn slowly. While I never feel touch deprived, I feel companion deprived (if that’s real xo). Like you say, it’s about being known and understood. Being adored – that’s the goal. I’d like to have someone to match me in every way. 

None of us can sit and preach. We’re all learning, growing. We can only do our best, speak from experience and hope that brings something good – and hopefully that something good is a consistent series of articles, amiright?