Sienna Bentley

By now, we’ve all read or at the very least heard about that British Vogue article, “Is having a boyfriend embarrassing now?”, which delves into possible reasons behind why women are increasingly taking the ‘soft-launch’ approach when it comes to posting their boyfriends on social media. It essentially argues that in an era of “widespread heterofatalism”, women want to “straddle two worlds” in which they can enjoy the benefits of having a partner and not “appear so boyfriend-obsessed that they come across quite culturally loser-ish”. 

As a result, it hails singlehood as being “desirable” and a “coveted status”, which will be a HALLELUJAH to single people everywhere (our time has come!).

So, is it embarrassing to have a boyfriend?

Perhaps surprisingly, my short answer is no – but it’s nuanced.

It’s my personal philosophy (and it is a hill upon which I am willing to perish) that people should do what they want. I don’t think anyone has the concrete jurisdiction to say what is fundamentally right or wrong, “cringe” or “embarrassing”, and judge others by their own standards – especially on the Internet, which is inherently fickle. If you want to post your boyfriend, for God’s sake, just do it. 

However, I can see how this concept is becoming an increasingly widespread phenomenon; it hasn’t emerged in a contextless vacuum.

“Boyfriends are out of style”

“Even partnered women will lament men and heterosexuality – partly in solidarity with other women, but also because it is now fundamentally uncool to be a boyfriend-girl.”

One comment featured in the article says, “boyfriends are out of style. They won’t come back in until they start acting right”. This underscores the fact that men have to try harder now that we no longer really need them. They have to actually focus on being good people (gasp!), otherwise why would we want to be around them?

When finding a husband was vital for, let’s be real, straight-up survival, the institution of marriage became a sort of clout symbol in the sense that it elevated one’s societal status. When women weren’t allowed to work or vote or retain their own wealth or exercise any real autonomy, women needed men – and arguably, men didn’t need to try. Now, women are looking for their relationships to enrich their lives, not enable them. It’s not solely about security in the way that it once was. So now, having a boyfriend means that you’ve chosen him – like, on purpose. And because we’ve seen how the women in our lives have been affected and treated by men – our mothers, aunts, grandmothers, great grandmothers – we don’t want to repeat the same cycles. Maybe it’s generational trauma making us feel embarrassed, anxious, uneasy about prioritising a man in this way.

With the rise of the manosphere and the concept of the ‘high-value man’ feeding the (tongue-in-cheek or stone-faced as it may be) “I hate men” and “men are trash” rhetoric, it can be embarrassing to admit that you’ve chosen one at all. Amid this discourse, I can see why it might feel “fundamentally uncool” to be a girl who is all about her boyfriend. She doesn’t want to be seen to be antifeminist in any kind of way or perceived as some kind of pick me who puts her man at the core of her existence. Why are you moving heaven and earth for a man? Hasn’t the patriarchy done enough?

Is being single a flex now?

Now that having a boyfriend is embarrassing, the article claims “it’s become more of a flex to pronounce yourself single”. Has it? I don’t know who that research is based on, but my single friends (alas, there aren’t many) and I are not shy to admit to each other that being single can be desperately lonely, and at times, frankly, rather shit. I never feel more seen and understood than when I’m talking to these girls about being happy and yet so sad at the same time and finding that I’ve never had an original thought. We all want romantic companionship, at the end of the day. 

So I don’t know if I would necessarily agree that it’s become “a flex” to pronounce yourself single. It can’t be that embarrassing to be in a relationship because many single people are after one themselves. More than 28 million people have downloaded Hinge for a reason, you know.

The article goes on to say: “Obviously there’s no shame in falling in love. But there’s also no shame in trying and failing to find it – or not trying at all.” I think there being no shame in something is drastically different to said thing being a flex. It frames the concept as a merely a consolation prize to those of us who are single. Even though being alone can suck, don’t worry, at least it’s no longer embarrassing!

“Being single gives you this ultimate freedom to say and do what you want.”

All that being said, today, as I have my monthly desire to dramatically alter my appearance (dye my hair pink, book a couple of tattoos, you know the drill), I’m reminded of how lucky I am to be single. I don’t have to run my decisions past anyone. I have complete and total freedom to change up my avatar and I’m not wondering or worrying if anyone else will like it. 

Since practically everyone I know is in a relationship and I’m constantly surrounded by couples, sometimes I feel like there’s something wrong with me. Why does no one want me? But then I shake myself – “shift your perspective,” I think, with a virtual slap. You could settle, you could be with someone who doesn’t truly understand you. And, God, I couldn’t imagine spending my twenties looking after someone when I can barely look after myself. I haven’t got the energy to train someone on how to treat me. 

Being single is fantastic. You don’t owe anyone jack shit. 

As an aside, if anything is embarrassing, I think it’s not being able to be alone. Serial monogamy doesn’t teach you anything about how to function in the world as an individual, and jumping from relationship to relationship doesn’t imply that you’ve chosen them for who they are – unless you’re just that lucky to stumble across the right person at the right time, multiple times.  

I’m tired – just post what you want

“It is absolutely not every woman, but I do notice that we can become more beige and watered-down online when in a relationship – myself included.”

As the article says, we dilute ourselves in relationships, whether we realise it or not. I did realise it, even as it was happening. I felt like I’d lost my ‘edge’. When my friend told me I’d lost my spark a few months into my last relationship, I got so defensive. Probably because I knew somewhere inside myself that she was right. I got so caught up in thinking about myself as one half of a unit that I lost track of what I actually wanted to achieve in life, what my own individual goals were. It made me scared to think about the future, because I simply wasn’t excited about it. 

But this doesn’t explain anything. Straight women aren’t avoiding getting into relationships, they’re just simply not posting about them. And if it’s the relationship that’s diluting you, soft-launching or avoiding showing them altogether isn’t going to change that. You will become watered down online regardless – so you might as well just post what you want. 

A chronically online take?

The article assumes that what seems to be the majority opinion on the Internet (which is, I might add, temporary in nature) is the be all and end all. 

I think the question isn’t whether it’s embarrassing to have a boyfriend – but whether we feel happy and fulfilled. And while it’s important to be able to find that on your own, it doesn’t actually matter how you get there. If you’re enjoying your life and want to share aspects of that happiness online, I don’t really see the issue. People who “mute” someone’s profile simply because they’ve posted their boyfriend on their Instagram story need to get a grip. If it bothers you that much, ask yourself why. 

Ultimately, the idea of anything being “cringe” only really applies to you if you let it. Being in a relationship and posting about it isn’t embarrassing, but caring so much about how others perceive you might be.